Mother knows... a lot more than you'd think

During my weekly phone conversation with mum earlier, in which everything from her flailing gym efforts to my younger sister's licentiousness is discussed, she revealed something deeply disturbing. One minute, we're deriding the in-laws for their collective lapse in sartorial judgement at a recent family gathering, the next, she's telling me that an 18 year-old boy had an erection in front of her.

Did you just vomit a little bit in your mouth? Good. You have some idea of my initial reaction.

Naturally, I told her I needed more information (though I dreaded receiving it). Apparently, she had volunteered to cook the weekly fry up for my sister's rowing club teammates the previous day. As she was browning her bangers, she noticed one of the members of the boys team, staring intently at her while he worked out on the rowing machine. He had an erection.

I asked her if she was certain and she frankly told me that it's been that long since she'd seen what one looks like, she checked it out three times to be sure. It was indeed, a 'boner'. I feel emotionally conflicted, here. Should I be alarmed that my mother has just said boner to me? Sickened that she's down with the modern slang for genitalia? Or relieved that my dad is no longer asserting his conjugal rites? (I'm assuming female sexuality didn't really figure in the Prehistoric era of masculine hegemony, somewhere round about they time they got hitched)

Perhaps the most unpalatable part of the conversation was the candidness of her narration. The words 'crotch' and 'tackle' were administered freely, in the same tones of motherly disappointment that are normally reserved for when you've failed to do your homework, not caught in flagrante.

Far from being ashamed at his evident arousal in front of a middle aged woman, worse, his friend's mother, I'm told the brazen youth continued to row, smirk on face, proud of his prowess. What's more, the rest of the lycra-clad team freely rearranged their manhood in her presence.

I was going to ask her if my sister will be allowed to continue her tenure at the club, but I wouldn't want to rock the boat.